Harry and Barry are two West Ham fans sinking a few pints in an East End boozer and one of them is not a happy chappy…
HARRY: “And I blame it on Moyes, who dithers for months over what players he wants and then buys people who don’t fit into his system. Look at Scamacca, for crying out loud. He’s a great striker but needs to play with a partner up front, not on his own. And now he’ll probably be going back to Italy for next season.”
BARRY: “Well, they can’t all work out. There’s no-one better than Paqueta and Aguerd has been great, so it’s not all doom and gloom.”
HARRY: “Yeah, but I hate the way we play. We sit back and hit teams on the break, but we lack players with pace and it ain’t a great watch if I’m honest with you.”
BARRY: “Bet you didn’t mind watching us beat Fiorentina in the final, though, did you?”
HARRY: “Would have been better if I could have got a ticket. That stadium in Prague was tinier than an ant’s arse. Even Gary Glitter would have sold that one out. It was ridiculous.”
BARRY: “Isn’t he still banged up? But yeah, it was total pants. I’m with you on that one.”
HARRY: “I’m still disappointed that it turned out to be Declan Rice’s last game. Couldn’t he have stayed for another year?”
BARRY: “You’re having a laugh, ain’t you? The geezer wasn’t signing a new contract, so we had no choice but to sell him.”
HARRY: “He’d have stuck around if we showed more ambition.”
BARRY: “More ambition? We spent a fortune last summer.”
HARRY: “Yeah, and we nearly got relegated. I think David Sullivan has got a lot to answer for. There’s something not right with the ownership at the moment. He’s as much use as a knobbled carrot.”
BARRY: “You’ve got to be joking. I think he’s done a great job in building the club. We’re sticking more than 60,000 bums on seats, have shown Spurs what’s it’s like to win silverware and we’re in Europe for a third successive year. What’s not to like?”
HARRY: “Our recruitment policy for one. We’ve brought some German bloke in to oversee transfers, Tim something…”
BARRY: “Steidten.”
HARRY: Yep, that’s the one. Apparently him and Moyes ain’t seeing eye to eye on transfer targets and that’s why we haven’t signed anyone yet. It’s a right old mess.”
BARRY: “I dunno, you can’t believe everything you read. None of us know what’s really going on. Most of what I see on the internet is rubbish.”
HARRY: “Unless it’s on West Ham Till I Die, of course.”
BARRY: “Yeah. But I take no notice of half the speculation about players we’re supposed to be chasing. It’s just paper talk.”
HARRY: “I’m worried about this so-called power struggle. The German is nominating young foreigners while Moyes wants British players with Premier League experience.”
BARRY: “Yeah, the likes of James Ward-Prowse, Conor Gallagher, Scott McTominay and Harry Maguire, if you believe what you read.”
HARRY: “And guess what? We won’t get any of them because we won’t pay what it takes. I mean, some of our bids have been pathetic. You’re not gonna get Ward-Prowse for £25 million or Maguire for £20m.”
BARRY: “I’m not sure that Maguire is worth 20 pence, to be honest with you.”
HARRY: “You might have a point there. But we need players and we’re running out of time. Hopefully there’s still life in the Ward-Prowse deal but I fear we’ll lose him to another club. And I hear that the Man City kid we were supposed to be signing is probably going to Ajax.”
BARRY: “Yeah, Carlos Borges.”
HARRY: “It’s a joke and we’re becoming a laughing stock.”
BARRY: “I still think things will work themselves out.”
HARRY: “Jesus, what have you been drinking? You must be on something funny if you think we’re gonna salvage this situation.”
BARRY: “The same stuff as you. And seeing as you mention it, my glass is empty and it’s your bleedin’ round.”
HARRY: “Er, you couldn’t lend me a tenner, could ya?”
Meanwhile, two Chelsea fans by the names of Miles and Giles are quaffing some Chassagne Montrachet in a King’s Road wine bar as they ponder the efforts of new boss Mauricio Pochettino to sort out their unbalanced squad ahead of the new campaign.
MILES: “I say, old chap, we’ve got a bit of work still to do.”
GILES: “Personally, I don’t think we’ve spent enough money.”
And they reckon they’ve got problems…
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